‘Tis the season for drinking, driving and Nickleback

Jimmy Kakish

If you drink and drive, your IQ must be in the single digits. Seriously, driving is dangerous enough sober. So, what crosses the mind of people that think they can be safe while driving intoxicated?

Despite the many anti-drunk driving campaigns headed by Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the Canadian government, a report issued by Statistics Canada says that police services across Canada reported 90,277 impaired driving incidents in 2011 alone. A stat from MADD said that in 2014 over 400,000 men and 130,000 women were arrested for drunk driving. Get it together.

As if going to jail, getting fined or most importantly, killing yourself or somebody else with stupidity wasn’t enough, the police in Kensington, P.E.I. (a province that in 2011 had the highest rate of impaired drivers) are upping the punishment. Nickelback. As in the Canadian band-that’s-the-musical-equivalent-of-Nicholas-Cage’s acting led by none other than the ramen noodle-haired Chad Kroeger, Nickelback.

Earlier this week the Kensington police took to their Twitter page to announce that they’d be playing Nickelback’s 2001 album Silver Side Up in the cruiser while taking impaired drivers to the police station. Which, at first seems excessive but actually might be a little counterintuitive. The type of people that get into the driver’s seat after crushing ten beers and hitting the road are the same type of people to bump “Photograph” on repeat the whole ride home while cursing their ex-girlfriend Tammy-Lee. This type of person would probably love the trip to the drunk tank in the back of a cruiser in P.E.I.

Me? I don’t drive an ’82 Firebird, so naturally, I have a different opinion.

I would rather:

  • Slip in the shower
  • Brush Steve Buscemi’s teeth
  • Read Gawker (RIP)
  • Smoke PCP
  • Snort gutter water
  • Listen to Melania Trump talk
  • Vape
  • Vape while wearing a fedora
  • Intern for Pauly Shore
  • Watch all 33 chapters of R. Kelly’s Trapped In The Closet (that would be pretty tight actually)
  • Watch any of Rob Schneider’s movies
  • Put my right foot in
  • Take my right foot out
  • Put my right foot in
  • Shake it all about
  • Report for Fox News
  • Park at Queen’s Plate
  • Attend a country ho-down
  • Not shower for six months
  • Pretend that the Red Hot Chili Peppers were ever a good band
  • Get stuck in a Tempur-Pedic mattress
  • Drink craft beer
  • Bury my cat in the Pet Cemetery (seriously, Louis, what were you thinking?)
  • Drown

than listen to Nickelback. Ever. In my life. I would also rather do all of those things than drink and drive, and I think anybody with common sense should be thinking that way, too. Smarten up, you jamokes.

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