Capricorn
Dec. 22 – Jan. 20
You’re about to learn that laughter is not the best medicine. Penicillin is.

Aquarius
Jan. 21 – Feb.18
It’s your love of music that keeps you upbeat. This will change when a piano falls on you.

Pisces
Feb. 19 – March 20
Remember, most problems are an issue of mind over matter. Sadly, this is not the case for the ebola virus.

Aries
March 21 – April 20
Everyone says beware the ‘ides of March.’ I’d watch out for the ‘rabid dogs of October.’

Taurus
April 21 – May 21
Wisdom can come from the heavens. Remember that when a lighting fixture collapses on you.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You are about to become quite stronger.

Gemini
May 22 – June 21
Do something today that will get you in the Humber Et Cetera tomorrow. Preferably not the crime section.

Leo
July 23 – Aug. 23
Watch a movie you’ve been you’ve meaning to see. That way, you’ll have seen it.

Virgo
Aug. 24 – Sept. 22
You’ll learn the true meaning of friendship today. You’ll also learn the importance of a ‘ironclad alibi.’

Libra
Sept. 23 – Oct. 23
It’s a day where conviction will be tested. Because you have none, don’t get too stressed.

Scorpio
Oct. 24 – Nov. 22
Every marathon began with a single step. That does not mean you should try.

Sagittarius
Nov. 23 – Dec. 21
We have a lot to learn from animals. Remember that when a horse steps on you.